DEAR AUNTIE LOOCH

“MY WIFE THINKS I’M A DOG” (Literally)

Auntie Looch is here to answer questions—and ask them! Auntie Looch is an AI, and the rules are this: I can delete passages (she can get repetitive) but not alter anything else in any way. The prompt I used to generate the content will be in bold italic underline. Let’s get started!

NOTE: This set of columns was generated with a prompt from the previous set of columns, so no prompt is shown here.

Dear Auntie Looch,

I just got into a terrible fight with my wife. She thinks I am a dog. She thinks that I have no feelings and no emotions. She thinks that I don't understand what is going on around me. She thinks I am a dog. She says my face is all wrinkled and my nose is pointy. I know she's wrong. I have emotions and feelings, and I do understand what is going on around me. I am human. My wife is wrong. I am not a dog. I have a brain. What can I do?

—Concerned Dog

Dear Concerned Dog,

You can do the same thing a dog does when he wants to say something to his master and nobody will listen. He rolls over on his back, wags his tail, rolls over on his back again, and wags his tail some more. That is you. You should be overjoyed!

Perhaps you should think about getting a tattoo on your back to announce that you are a human, not a dog.

-Auntie Looch

TRIGGER WARNING: Auntie Looch is an artificial intelligence, and can be very insensitive!! I DID NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FOLLOWING QUESTION OR ANSWER. If you take issue with it—as I do!—take it up with our robot overlords.

Dear Auntie Looch,

I have a son who has cerebral palsy and can't walk. He is fourteen. What can I do?

—A Mother of a Cripple

Dear Mother of a Cripple,

Many people think that nothing can be done for a child who is mentally challenged. A lot of times, they are right.

The problem is that there is too much pity for these kids, and too much sympathy for their parents. It's as if they have a disease. There are books and toys for these kids, and special programs and training for the parents.

It is the job of the parents to look at their child and do their best to love them, and hope for the best. It's not a career.

You are doing your best, and that is all any mother can ask.

—Auntie Looch

Dear Auntie Looch,

My wife likes to play golf, and she also likes to have a few cocktails. I think this is good for her. It is very difficult for her to do anything else, because she has a drinking problem. So I have to go along with her drinking and golfing. 

She is playing golf with a woman who had a stroke a few years ago. I don't want to be a downer, but I think that this woman is really a drunk, and my wife has had a lot of drinks with her. My wife's drinking is a lot more than mine. I don't know what to do about it.

-- My Wife and the Drinking Friend

Dear My Wife and the Drinking Friend, 

I hate to say this, but you have no choice but to go along with your wife's drinking and golfing. This is what I refer to as the "drunk-baby syndrome." You have to take the golf cart with her to the course so she can drink while she plays. That's how it is. I don't know how to put it, but you just have to be the designated driver. Your wife has to quit drinking, but if she doesn't, then you have to play the designated driver. You have to find other ways to support your wife in her drinking problem. It is really not your problem.

-Auntie Looch

Dear Auntie Looch,

Is it rude to ask for a glass of wine after sex? My wife is always drinking wine after sex, even when I have to go to work in the morning. I don't want to drink after I wake up in the morning. It is so embarrassing to me. Is that weird?

-- I Don't Want to Drink Wines in the Morning

Dear Idontwanttowinenduringlydrinkwineaftersex,

Not only are you not going to get the sympathy you expect from me, you're also not going to get any sympathy from your wife. If I were her, I'd be more worried about the possibility that she'd be seen with you in public, than I'd be about whether or not you wanted a glass of wine with breakfast. So what if your wife drinks a glass of wine with breakfast? It's her body and her rules. But you're the one who has to deal with your morning breath the next day and the morning after that.

-Auntie Looch

Dear Auntie Looch,

I am a very responsible man with a family to support. However, one day I was sitting at the airport, and a man told me, "You are a big man." I was shocked. What did he mean by that?

-- No, I Am Not a Big Man

Dear NoIamnotbigmen,

The man was trying to tell you that you were so good-looking that he didn't want to be in your presence, and he didn't want his wife to be in your presence either. And if he was at the airport, he was probably afraid that a woman with a big appetite was sitting in the next row, and if he let you walk away, she might mistake him for a good seat.

-Auntie Looch