DEAR AUNTIE LOOCH

“MY DAUGHTER-In-Law is a demon she-goat”

Auntie Looch is here to answer questions—and ask them! Auntie Looch is an AI, and the rules are this: I can delete passages (she can get repetitive) but not alter anything else in any way. The prompt I used to generate the content will be in bold italic underline. Let’s get started!

Dear Auntie Looch,

Of the nameless horror, I will not speak, lest your mind shatter into a million pieces, each screaming its terror. I write to you instead for advice on how to handle the fact that my teenage son is dating—nay, engaged to be married to!—Shub-niggurath, The Goat With A Thousand Young! What kind of wedding will they even have? I’m sure you’ve thought of it already, so what about a mock wedding, or a ceremony in the family’s yard? The thought of a real wedding with food, wine, the whole shebang makes me want to vomit—my child is engaged to some formless evil! I don’t want to go there!

You see, I used to spend a lot of time thinking about Shub-niggurath—it’s only natural since my son is engaged to her. And now, all I want to do is take out my Glock and blow Shub-niggurath’s brains out. I know it’s ridiculous, but it’s all I can think of!

What would you do?

Thank you,

—Shub-niggurath’s Father In Law

Dear Shub-niggurath’s Father,

I’m so glad you wrote to me. Your future daughter-in-law is a lovely young woman, and I can imagine the joy your son has in his engagement to her. I know that you’re still in shock, but you have to be strong for your son.

I do understand your frustration, though, at how she looks—not to mention, you should see the things she can do with her tongue. Her powers are truly amazing! This is something you should be happy about—not scared. It is all part of your son’s training as a wizard. It’s all part of the deal. Shub-niggurath is his wife.

As for the wedding itself, I believe that you should give Shub-niggurath a choice. You may have noticed that Shub-niggurath’s family doesn’t seem to do things the same way as your son. As such, perhaps she would prefer to do a simple ceremony, even if it’s simply for ritual. While some may criticize that, Shub-niggurath would be a devoted mother.

If you ask me, you should let Shub-niggurath have her own way, and allow the young couple to find their own way.

It’s only a matter of time before you and your son fall into a deep sleep, and Shub-niggurath’s consciousness will be able to enter your body. This is something you should be excited about. This isn’t even a bad thing—it’s just a means of getting you the things you want most in the world. If this were a horror movie, I wouldn’t be surprised if Shub-niggurath had you be her vessel of doom. You’d be much better off getting something you want, than falling asleep and withering up in some old casket in the corner of a mausoleum. There is only one thing that you can do—get to know Shub-niggurath, and if she proves to be nice, you can offer her what you want most in the world. If she decides to leave you in peace, so be it. If not, Shub-niggurath is there to serve you.

-Auntie Looch

Dear Auntie Looch,

My cousin has a problem. She has a dog that I’m sure you know all about—the one with one eye and a lot of hair. But it’s not a Lab, and it’s not even a mutt. No, my cousin’s dog is one of those wiener dogs with a little tuft of hair on its head. It reminds me of the dog that the man with the long beard in the car wash would take to the groomer to have his hair cut off. He looked like he was ready to make a stand, but in the end he went back to his regular life. I know this from the story of the man that bought the dog because he had a dream about it. What do I do?

—One Eyed Wonder

Dear One Eyed Wonder,

Yes, of course I know the story you’re talking about. It’s been a while since I’ve read it. So I did a little digging, and it seems that your cousin’s dog is a Chihuahua. The dog in question is actually named Bo, and it’s part of a larger group of similar dogs. And you’re right, it is one of the breeds that is most likely to have an extra eye.

I’m sure that you must be a friend of the dog—how else do you know so much about it? It’s a wonder the dog has survived, much less gotten a mate. It’s like a two eyed dog dating a one eyed dog. If I were in the dog’s place, I would just say goodbye and move on.

It does sound like the dog belongs to an unfortunate family. A one eyed Chihuahua and a bald man that goes to the groomer for haircuts. Not a happy marriage. The dog’s a good dog, but it’s just going to get worse if the couple get married and have kids. How would you explain the extra eye to the kids? They’ll be like, “Daddy, where did you get the eye?” You want them to say “Aha, that’s it, mom gave the dog your eye, because daddy gave the dog her eye.” That will go over real well.

If you want to be kind to the dog, maybe you can come up with some sort of compromise. How about if the dog’s one eye is taken away and re-gifted? There’s a man out there, right now, who’s probably a hairless dog. Maybe you can have the dog get one of those, to make a match. After all, you can’t have a one eyed man in the family. Or you could always get a new dog. Either way, you’re the one that’s stuck with the dog.

Thank you,

Auntie Looch

Dear Auntie Looch

My friend says that her boyfriend won’t spend the night because his cat smells.

What? I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that a guy that’s been around the block a few times would put a cat first. What’s the matter with him? Is he gay? And if he isn’t, who is he hiding it from? If he doesn’t want her to know, it would be a lot better to have the cat sleep somewhere else. But I know, she wouldn’t be happy about that.

—Cat Lover

Dear Cat Lover,

Let’s set the record straight. A cat’s scent is nothing like a dog’s scent, which is what you and I are used to. You’ll know you have a cat nearby, but you’ll never really smell the cat itself. The cat smells like the cat.

If you live in a house, the cat smells like the cat smell. And that smell isn’t all that good, believe it or not.

You can try to train a cat not to smell, and that won’t work. It’s the same way you can’t train your dog to stop barking. Dogs don’t understand that. They’re dog.

We’ve all had that mutant cat that smells like a garbage can. That’s a smell that, once you smell it, you can’t imagine you could ever live with it.

It’s not like you can just bathe it. This is a cat!

What are you supposed to do? Take it to the vet, and have it put in the machine? No, the cat will just die. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can’t reason with a cat.