Auntie Looch is an AI-generated advice columnist, here to answer her own questions.
DEAR AUNTIE LOOCH
“I Just Found Out I Am A Houseplant”
Auntie Looch is here to answer questions—and ask them! Auntie Looch is an AI, and the rules are this: I can delete passages (she can get repetitive) but not alter anything else in any way. The prompt I used to generate the content will be in bold italic underline. Let’s get started!
“A Houseplant”, by DALL-E
Dear Auntie Looch,
I am a man and I just found out I’m actually a houseplant. The doctors say they’ve never seen anything like it. Could you help me?
- Stan
Dear Stan,
First, you must find out if you are a houseplant or a flowerpot. Take a good look at your surroundings and ask yourself the following questions: Is the area sunny? Do you get at least six hours of sun per day? Do you get plenty of water? Do you have drainage?
If you answered yes to all of the above, you are a houseplant.
Now, if you answered no to any of the questions above, you are a flowerpot.
In either case, you must take care of your needs as a houseplant. Keep your soil moist but not wet. A good time to water your houseplant is early morning or late at night. Remember to give your plant a good fertilizer every week. A little cayenne pepper in the soil will help keep it healthy.
If you still don’t know if you’re a houseplant or a flowerpot, you must visit your local nursery. Ask them for advice.
“Dogs are digging in a flower bed” by DALL-E
Dear Auntie Looch,
I have a new neighbor who has two dogs. The dogs are always digging in my yard and I am afraid they will damage my flower beds. I’ve tried yelling at them, but it doesn’t work. Can you help me?
- Lonnie in Needville
Dear Lonnie,
Have you tried praying? I’m not sure praying works, but it can’t hurt. Besides, you never know. Maybe the dogs will listen to you. The next time you see them, try saying, “These flowers are very precious to me. Please do not dig in my flower beds.” Hopefully, that will work. If not, I’m sure your next door neighbor has a couple of rocks he can use.
“A man at a strip club” by DALL-E
Dear Auntie Looch,
I’m so happy my husband is working overtime. The problem is, he’s been going to this strip club. I’m afraid he’ll get addicted.
What can I do to help him quit?
- Cathy from Jersey
Dear Cathy,
You should start by explaining to your husband that you can’t stand to look at him.
Then you should go to the strip club with him.
Dear Auntie Looch,
I’m so happy that our son has a girlfriend. The only problem is that I’m afraid she’s a gold digger.
- Donna from New York
Dear Donna,
Don’t be afraid to ask your son how much money he’s paying his girlfriend. Then you can stop worrying.
“A woman who is a drunk driver” by DALL-E
Dear Auntie Looch,
My husband is always teasing me about my driving. I’m afraid he’s going to report me to the Department of Motor Vehicles. What can I do to keep him from making me get a driver’s license?
- Barbara in Houston
Dear Barbara,
If you are afraid your husband is going to report you to the DMV, take out a restraining order. I bet he won’t mess with you if you’re under court protection.
Of course, your husband might decide to use the restraining order against you.
You know, you might want to consider spending a little more time in the gym, and a little less time at the bar.
Dear Auntie Looch,
I’m so glad to have you back. I’ve never been so happy to have a best friend who is an expert on men.
- Betty in Detroit
Dear Betty,
I’m glad to hear you’re happy I’m back. One question: Are you the only one happy to have me back?
- Abby from Washington
Dear Auntie Looch,
Yes, I am.